HER-story

Once again Jezebel takes a story that has NOTHING to do with sexism and turns it into a women’s issue.

http://jezebel.com/mothers-dont-let-your-girls-grow-up-to-love-morally-u-512266500

Here are some stories they would have written, had they been around thru-out history.

Mary Todd Needs This Like She Needs A Hole In Her Head

Ol’ Honest Abe’s devotion to preserving the Union and extending liberty to all people, did launch a series of events that has resulted in his enemies assassinating him. Had his devotion to his wife been as great as his devotion to country, perhaps she wouldn’t be a widow today. It wouldn’t surprise me if this whole tragedy lands poor, poor Mary Todd in a looney bin. Too bad Mr. Lincoln won’t live to see the horrifying outcome of his inattention to his duties as husband. If you had only left well enough alone, Abe. What was soooo important?

Hey, Jesus! Quit Being A Martyr And Think About Someone Else for Once!

Jesus of Nazareth is God’s Gift To Humanity. Just ask him. He’ll tell you. Pffft! Look, buddy, it’s obvious to everyone that Mary Magdalene has the got it bad for you. But you’re too busy being all: “I’m the Son of God! I’ve got my ministry to think of.” I’ve heard it all before. My best friend Julie is a sucker for you hipster types. You all spend all day hanging out with your buds and then when she asks you to just spend a little time with your girlfriend it’s, “But I’ve got my music to work on. I’ve got to mix and master my film, I’ve got to go vinyl shopping.” What the hell did you do all day?!? Man up and commit to something, ya bastard! That’s right. I said it. We all know Joe the Carpenter ain’t your daddy. Come down off your high-horse. You don’t walk on water. Or is it that she used to be a provider of carnal pleasures? Is that it, Hey-soose?!? Are you slut-shaming her? Look, she did what she had to, to survive! She’s a SURVIVOR! But I guess you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you? Poor Mary. I suppose we all have our cross to bear.

If Loving Shoes Is Wrong, I Don’t Want To Be Right.

Poor, Poor Imelda Marco. Today she was forced to flee into exile. In her haste to leave her beloved homeland of The Philippines, she had to leave behind her large shoe collection. There are some those among the haters (all men, I’m sure) who are criticizing the size of the shoe collection. But I mean what girl doesn’t love a sexy stiletto or sensible pump. Can we really blame this woman for loving shoes? Who doesn’t? Anyway, all she was ever guilty of was embezzling a little money and a bit of political assassination. But I mean a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do to get those shoes! Well, until the patriarchy can be brought to its knees, where it belongs, poor Imelda Marco has to remain in exile and barefoot (Just how the misogynistic majority would like it I suppose.) If you would like to help poor Imelda and send a pair of shoes to Jezebel, we’ll be sure to send them on to her. (Well, what I don’t skim off the top that is. Imelda would understand.)

Penis Privilege Prevails as Super Ship Sinks

Early today the RMS Titanic of the White Star Line put on a spectacular display of male privilege! Late last night the hulking ocean liner bumped a bit of ice as it crossed the North Atlantic. Well, duh! It’s springtime in THE NORTH ATLANTIC. Anyway. Shortly after the mighty boat skimmed the edge of this ice cube the call went out, “Women and children in the lifeboats!” Oh! Sure. Women and children have to crowd together in tiny lifeboats, completely exposed to the frigid night air while the men enjoy the comforts of the luxury liner! I mean they had a band playing on board but could women stick around to enjoy the music? NOOOOOOO!!!!!!Are you serious!? As soon as we get the right to vote, crimes against women, such as this, will be a thing of the past. For shame White Star Line, for shame!